| Episode 9 (The Red Shoes) First
Transmitted 10.11.1992 |
  Starring: Victor Spinetti as Darren Katz Gemma Craven as Hedda Hoofer Bag Jo
Warne as Nancy |
The crew of the saucer touch down in Hollywood, where bigshot director, Darren Katz is freaking out becasue the star of his latest commercial for Sunnydent Toothpaste is missing. He gets on the phone to his assistant, Nancy, only to find that she is standing right behind him. The kid turns up on a camera rig.
T-Bag is really excited about being in Hollywood because she is convinced that it will be her chance for stardom. She rushes into the bathroom to make herself "more glamorous than she already is". T-Shirt settles down for a long wait, but Tow-Ling decides to go and have a look around. T-Shirt tells him that if he sees Madonna, to get him her phone number.
Darren is talking nicely to the spoiled brat of a kid (who is a dead ringer for Tow-Ling) trying to persuade him to rehearse the commercial. "It's only a stupid toothpaste commercial, man!", the kid sneers and settles down to read his comic in the director's chair. Darren tells him in exasperation that it will be broadcast coast to coast and so it had to be good. The kid tells him to relax again, but then there is a sickening cruch and the kid clutches his face in agony.
Nancy tells Darren that she had told the kid to lay off the peanut brittle, but obviously he hadn't paid her any attention. Darren asks to see the kids teeth, and finds to his horror that one of them is missing, leaving a big gaping hole in his face. Darren yells that they can't do a commercial for Sunnydent toothpaste with a kid who looks like he's brushed his teeth with a hammer. He fires the kid, who runs off crying.
Darren than has a severe panic attack because he realises that they are supposed to be on air in fifteen minutes. Nancy grabs her chance and tells Darren that she could do the commercial. She launches into a huge out of tune rendition of the Sunnydent jingle, and Darren is not at all impressed.
Later, Tow-Ling wanders into the studios. Darren breezes down the corridor, ordering Nancy to get on the phone to find a new kid for the commercial. They sweep past Tow-Ling, but then Darren stops and does a double take. They ask him if he can sing, dance and smile, and he says yes to all three. They gather him up and bundle him into Darren's office.
In the saucer, T-Bag comes out of the bedroom dressed in some hideously over the top furry thing. She grabs T-Shirt and tells him that she is ready to face her public. She says that whilst they are looking for the birthday surprise, they might be able to land her a lead or two. T-Shirt tels her she is out of luck because Spielberg said he'd never make a sequal to ET. He says that people don't just walk into big parts in film and television in Hollywood. Suddenly, the broadcast on the TV is interrupted by the Sunnydent commercial featuring Tow-Ling. He sings the jingle:
"Sunnydent spells confident so smile, smile, smile!
In a little while, you'll smile a smile as wide as a mile,
Like me!"
He does a little twirl and holds up the toothpaste with a big grin.
T-Bag is as sick as a parrot. T-Shirt is impressed. T-Bag starts ranting that she is the only star around these parts, and she disappears off to get recognised, taking T-Shirt with her.
They appear in the studio and hide behind a set of shelves. Darren is offering Tow-Ling a part in his next all singing, all dancing TV spectacular. T-Bag has a plan to get an audition for this spectacular, and T-Shirt goes to see if he can organise an audition.
He approaches Nancy and tells her that he is Tow-Ling's cousin. She is really impressed with Tow-Ling, and T-Shirt tells her that talent runs in the family. He goes on to say that he is there because he has heard about the audition and would like to get one for his "Mom", Shirley Shirt. Nancy agrees.
"No flies on me, eh?" he says to T-Bag, who has been listening to the whole thing. "There will be when I kill you!" she yells. She demands to know what he is playing at and who Shirley Shirt is. He explains that in show business, nepotism is the order of the day. If she makes out that she is related to Tow-Ling, then she may be offered the part. T-Bag refuses to go ahead with the plan, until T-Shirt asks her if she really wants to get on TV. T-Bag then starts dreaming of piles of Oscars.
We next see her breezing into Darren's office for the audition announcing that she is Shirley Shirt in a great big voice. She gets on with the audition, announcing that she is going to sing a number that she made famous last year on Broadway. "Cricklewood Broadway" quips T-Shirt under his breath.
T-Bag launches into a DREADFUL rendition of "Broadway Baby":
I'm just a Broadway Lady,
Shuffling off her Tired Feet.
Pounding 42nd Street
To be in a shaaaaooooow.
Gee, gee, Mr perdooser
Gimme gimme gimme the lead
I love the sound of the crowd
And I can sing any old thing
But I prefer to sing it
LAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWDDDDD!
Darren is dumbstruck and drags Nancy off for a word. T-Bag is hopeful.
Outside, Darren Katz is having kittens because there are no other applicants (T-Shirt has got rid of them all). They go back into the office, and Darren is about to give T-Bag an earful, when the door flies open and in steps a rather flustered actress who explains that she is Hedda Hoofer Bag and that she is late because she's just come back from the beauty parlour. "Too bad they were shut!" snaps T-Bag.
Darren is overjoyed that there is another applicant and urges her to do her audition. Hedda announces that she is going to sing a number that she made famous last year on Broadway. "Cricklewood Broadway" quips T-Bag under her breath.
Hedda launches into a spectacular audtion:
I used to think that love was sweet
Thought it would make my life complete.
But all I got was a broken heart,
Emotional blackmail right from the start.
Oh, I was so naïve;
Walked into love with my heart on my sleeve.
Yeah, I gave myself away;
You saw right through me in every way.
Darren, Nancy and T-Shirt erupt in tumultuous applause, much to T-Bag's disgust. She dresses Hedda Down as follows; "You couldn't carry a tune if it had handles on it, and you've got calves that only a cow would love!".
Hedda is very insulted, but Darren gives her the part, and then she is ecstatic. We have some wonderful insults coming from T-Bag at Darren, and they go something like this:
T-Bag: Are you out of your mind, you two-faced swine?
Darren: I may be many things, lady, but two-face I ain't.
TB: True. If you had two, you wouldn't choose to wear that one!
T-Shirt: You're not helping yourself, T.B.!
D: If you'll excuse me, I have rehearsals to attend to. Goodbye!
TB: You may think you're big cheese, Buster, but you only smell like it!
Later, in the studio, T-Bag appears and conjurs up a pair of red dancing shoes. Hedda is rehearsing her moves. T-Bag appraoches her and tells her that she is presenting her with the shoes as a gift to show that there are no hard feelings. She tells her that they belonged to Margot Fontain.
"Margot Fontain the ballet dancer?" asks Hedda.
"No. Margot Fontain the slug in tails from the compost heap!" says T-Bag, sarcastically.
Hedda accepts the shoes and puts them on. Darren starts the rehearsal and tell Hedda what to do. He puts the music on and Hedda starts dancing at the speed of light and goes completely out of control. She dances out of the studio. T-Shirt chases after her. T-Bag tells Darren that Hedda got stage fright and ran off, and that she would be happy to take over. Darren reluctantly agrees and tells Nancy to get her costume.
Tow-Ling comes in dressed in his costume - a giant pea pod. T-Bag is puzzled. Tow-Ling explains that he is "Peter the Pea" and that they are filming a commercial for frozen veg. Nancy presents T-Bag with a giant carrot costume and tells her that she is "Carol the Carrot".
Meanwhile, Hedda is dancing around Darren's office, and crying out for help. She dances up onto Darren's chair and up onto his desk. T-Shirt comes in with some spray glue and glues her shoes to the desk.
Darren is ready to start shooting. He hand Tow-Ling a packet of frozen peas and T-Bag a packet of carrots. Tow-Ling then makes some comments about being the star, so T-Bag grabs his peas and rips them open. The peas go all over the floor and tea bag starts dancing around. she falls on the peas and badly injures herself.
Back in the T-Room, T-Bag is wrapped from head to toe in plaster. T-Shirt tells her to look on the bright side because she did get paid with 40,000 packets of carrots and peas, and another envelope.