| Episode 7 (One Million Years B.C.) First
Transmitted 17.2.1992 |
 Starring: Murray Melvin as Ignatius Stuart
Harwood as Thug |
We come across a rather wimpy caveman putting the finishing touches to his cave paintings. He hears a victory roar from outside and goes to investigate
The cry came from Thug, a large, dopey, strong caveman who has come to report that they have crushed an enemy tribe. He asks the wimpy caveman (Ig) where Og, the chief, is. It turns out that the chief was Ig's father and that he is dead. Ig has written a very moving poem about how it happened which he recites:
As Father sat upon a boulder,
A mammoth tapped him on the shoulder.
It's foot came down and with a SPLAT
Poor old Dad was trampled flat.
Ascended now to a lofty height,
The kids all use him as a kite.
We then find that Ig has now assumed the role of chief as he has inherited the stone of office (the next sunstone). He starts making proclamations, the first of which is that he wants to be know not as Ig, but as Ignaceous (spelling?). He then announces that it is his aim to make his tribe peace loving and civilised. Thug is not impressed, especially when Ig confiscates his club and tells him to take a bunch of flowers to the leader of the enemy tribe and apologise. Thug is furious, but reluctantly does as he's told.
In the T-Room, T-Shirt is thumping a punch bag with a picture of T-Bag on it and taking the mickey out of her. T-Bag comes in and yells at him.
Meanwhile, Ig is watering his flowers in his garden. Penny appears. She hears a loud roar and dashes into Ig's cave, bumping into him on the way. She notices the sunstone hanging around his neck and pleads with him to give it to her. Ig refuses because people wouldn't respect him if he didn't have the stone. Just at that moment, Thug comes back looking roughed up with flowers ticking out of his hair. He spits petals in Ig's face and releases a torrent of insults at him. Thug yells that he is taking over, but Ig taunts him and says that he can't without the stone.
T-Bag sees Ig in the saucer and thinks that Ig is a pushover. T-Shirt asks if he can be the one who goes to knock him out with a swift left hook. T-Bag refuses because she doesn't see why he should have all the fun. She conjurs up a set of golf clubs and decides that a number 5 iron should do the trick.
Meanwhile, Thug has Ig by the scruf of his neck. He snatches the stone from Ig. Ig demands it back, but Thug tells him that he will have to fight for it. Ig refuses because he believes that fighting is for barbarians. Thug takes exception to being called a barbarian, so he thumps Ig over the head and stomps off to his cave. Penny dashes after him.
T-Bag appears and yells at Ig to hand over the stone or be bashed. Ig tells her that Thug has it, but she chases him anyway.
Penny is in Thug's cave, trying to persuade him to give the stone back because stealing is wrong. Thug ignores her completely, until he decides that he needs some bait for his sabre-toothed tiger trap. He grabs her and ties her up.
Back in the T-Room, T-Bag tells T-Shirt that he may be in for a fight after all with someone called Theodore (Thug). She tells him that he is a real wimp.
In the cave, Penny is trying to convince Thug that no self-respecting tiger will want to eat her because she is all gristle and bone. A call comes from outside the cave, and Thug goes to investigate. T-Bag is standing outside dressed as a cavewoman, holding a plaque. She tells Thug that the toughest member of her tribe wants to challenge him to a punch up. Thug agrees. T-Bag invites him to pull up a boulder and discuss the details.
Meanwhile in the cave, Penny cuts through her bonds on a discarded jawbone and makes good her escape.
Ig is mourning over the way that mankind is heading. Penny arrives and tries to convince him that he has to fight for what's right. Ig tells her that he will never fight because he is a pacifist. Pennt threatens to smash his garden gnome, and this makes Ig angry and he goes to wallop Penny with a stick. Penny points out that there are some things that he will fight for.
T-Bag carries on reassuring T-Shirt that this Theodore character is a pushover whilst secretly filling T-Shirts boxing gloves with iron. She takes him to the fight venue and they find that he hasn't shown up. She tells T-Shirt to go looking, so he wanders off calling for thoedore. Meanwhile, T-Bag starts calling for Thug.
Ig comes out of his cave with Penny and prepares himself for a fight. Penny goes off to find Thug. Ig starts practising his boxing. T-Shirt sees him and assumes that he is Theodore. Ig points out that he isn't and then Thug arrives with T-Bag. She tells T-Shirt that he has to fight him.
Thug grabs T-Shirt and starts crushing his bones. He releases him and then picks up a huge boulder to hurl. T-Shirt runs, and the boulder lands on T-Bag. T-Shirt takes her home.
Ig is furious at the way Thug treats people and challenges him to a fight. Penny puts T-Shirts boxing gloves on him full of iron. Ig thumps Thug with them and knocks him out. Penny holds up Ig's hand in victory, but then she lets it fall and it bashes Ig on the head and knocks him out.
We then see Penny bandaging up Ig's head, whilst Thug sits in the garden fishing like a gnome. Ig lets Penny have the stone because as leader of the tribe he has decided that the tribe should no longer have a leader.