| Episode 9 (Torture) First
Transmitted 4.3.1991 |
 Starring: Pip Donaghy as Sir Walter Pistol Sarah Berger as Queen Elizabeth
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Polly arrives in merry England.
The Queen is in her throne room, torturing one of her dolls, which she has locked in stocks and is pelting it with fruit because she is convinced that the doll has hidden Mr. Heffalump, her favourite cuddly elephant.
T-Bag sees her in the saucer and sees that she has the gold ring as an earring.
Back in the throne room, the Queen has hanged the Doll. Polly comes in and notices the gold ring. The Queen asks if Polly has seen Mr. Heffalump. Polly spots him behind a cushion on the throne. The Queen is so grateful that she offers to give Polly anything she wants as a rewards. Polly asks for the ring, and the Queen agrees so long as she takes Mr. Heffalump and tucks him into bed. "And don't forget his hottle wattle bottle, or I may just have to chop your head off!", the Queen warns Polly. She then gives Polly directions to the bedroom and she sets off. As she leaves the room, Sir Walter Pistol comes in and greets the Queen, but the Queen is trying to swat a fly.
He kisses her on the hand and tells her that he has seen many wonderous things on his adventures, but none as beautiful as her face. The Queen isn't impressed and tells him to make with the presents. He presents her with a brown, hard lump. Here is the converstaion that follows:
Queen: Are you taking the Mick, Pistol, or what? What is it?
Pistol: It's a potato, Ma'am.
Queen: A potatomarm? What's a potatomarm?
Pistol: Not a potatomarm, Ma'am. A potato, Ma'am.
Queen: That's what I said.
Pistol: No, Ma'am. You said a potatomarm, Ma'am.
Queen: Oh, shut up! Never mind what it's called, what does it do?
Pistol: It doesn't do anything.
Queen: Tsk! Typical of a man! You splash out on a new boat for him and then he goes swanning off around the world for five years, and what does he bring you back? A potatomarm that doesn't do anything! Not so much as a stick of rock. Nothing!
Anyway, he tells the Queen that you eat the potato, so she snatches it off him and takes a big bite. She spits it out and accuses him of trying to poison her. She locks him up in her dungeon.
T-Bag sees all this in the saucer and sends T-Shirt to shower the Queen in presents in return for the ring.
In the throneroom, T-Shirt tells the Queen that he has been around the world and brought back a load of pressies. He has a massive box that the Queen rips open. The present inside is a large, NICAM stereo, teletext, remote control TV set. The Queen asks him what it does, and he tells her to sit back and feast her eyes. He goes to plug it in, but, of course, there are no electricity sockets, what with it being 1578, and all. He then goes back to the T-Room, taking the TV with him.
Polly finds her way into the dungeon on her way to Mr. Heffalumps bedroom. She finds Walter Pistol chained to a wall. She asks him what he is doing, and he feeds her some story about doing his exercises when he got stuck in the equipment. He asks her to release him and tellas her that the keys are in the dungeon with him. She obliges.
T-Bag, meanwhile, is telling T-Shirt off over his blunder. She then sees Polly rescuing Pistol from the dungeon. This gives her an idea.
The Queen is sitting in her throne room. T-Bag comes in dressed as a jester and starts telling jokes about a Queen that dies and gets buried. The Queen tells her that she doesn't like jokes about death. T-Bag tells her that she won't have to put up with it for much longer. The Queen then guesses that there may be a murder plot going on. T-Bag then lets on that Polly is plotting to kill her. Polly then comes in and the Queen then captures her and locks her in the dungeon. The Queen then leaves the dungeon and Pistol creeps out of the shadows and asks Polly if she wants to join his plot to kill the Queen. Polly refuses vehemently. Pistol then leaves her in the dungeon and goes to the throne room, where he measures the number of paces from the door of the room to the throne. He hides behind the door when the Queen comes in yelling to the guards to find Pistol and feed him to the corgis.
T-Bag and T-Shirt arrive disguised as torturers. They tell the Queen that they are freelance torturers and they have a special deal on at the moment for the price of an earring. The Queen is interested in this and agrees. She tells them to go and torture Polly.
In the dungeon, Pistol is measuring the paces from the door to a point directly below the Queen's throne. He then stacks up a load of barrels of gun powder. Polly asks him what he is doing and he tells her that he is going to blow up the Queen. He lights the fuse and makes his escape. Polly starts crying for help.
T-Bag appears and mocks Polly. They search her for the bag, but the Queen has taken it. Polly tells them that the bag is in one of the barrels. T-Bag takes all the barrels of gun powder back to the T-Room, where they are blown to bits.
The Queen comes in to watch Polly being tortured, and is really annoyed when they are not there. Polly tells the Queen that she has just saved her life, but he Queen doesn't believe her. She goes off to the back of the dungeon to get her torture equipment to torture Polly herself. When she is away, Pistol comes in and asks what has happened to the gunpowder and announces that he will have to find another way of killing the Queen. The Queen hears this and releases Polly. She locks up Pistol, give Polly her rings back and then gives her the earring. She then goes off to play tiddlywinks with Mr. Heffalump.